Yeah...this’ll be one crazy date (and by crazy I literally mean crazy, not anything all nasty)
I was on my way to Jazz Brew Coffee, looking over Rachel’s picture, thinking that I really scored. She was gorgeous.
We decided to meet at Jazz Brew Coffee, since it was three things:
1) Brightly lit
3) Had more than one exit
Since, you know, when you meet someone from the Internet, they could either be really cool, or they could be an axe murderer. Better not take the risk.
I walked in, scanning the faces to see if anyone matched the picture. After a little while, a red-haired girl waved at me.
Okay, it was definitely her but...she looked different.
It was almost like when you go to buy an apartment, and the picture looks really awesome, right? With a nice balcony and great lighting and furniture and all that. But then you get there and suddenly you realize that the couch is grimy and the table is missing two legs.
Yeah, like that.
But, whatever, I don’t want to focus only on looks. She was really cool when we were texting.
“Hey, Marty, right?”
If I could describe her voice to you, it’d be Snow White meets those really high-pitched Japanese Anime girls. Kind of annoying, but fine, I’ll get past her voice.
Once we started talking, I remembered the girl from the texts. Yup, pretty much the same girl. Her looks and her voice were minor things.
Eventually we started talking about our jobs, and at some point she said, “I do photoshop.”
You don’t say?
As if she could read my mind, she said, “Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t photoshop any of my profile pictures.”
Yeah, okay, sure.
There was a kind of awkward silence for a moment after that, but then Rachel spoke, "Hey, I live a few blocks from here. Do you want to come over to get some dessert."
I hesitated. I didn't want to do that. Who knew what would happen if I said yes?
But, I kind of felt bad for her. She knew she wasn't the girl from the picture, and now she knew that I knew that she wasn't the girl from the picture, so...
When we walked up to her house, I saw that it was painted bright blue. Like, really, really bright blue. Alright, that was a little weird, but...to each its own, I guess.
Rachel went to open the door, but before she could turn the knob, she turned to face me and said, "Just so you know, I really like Disney's Frozen."
Now, this was a really random thing to say. It was an okay movie, kind of overrated. It wasn't until we got inside that I understood what that bit of information meant.
Oh boy. I was not ready for the level of Frozen stuff in this room.
Everything, and I mean everything was Frozen themed - or some kind of shade of blue. Every plate, cup, blanket, every thing.
So naturally, all I could muster was, "Huh."
Rachel led me to the couch that had a big Frozen blanket on it to sit down. I did, wearily, almost as if I was expecting some random Elsa to just jump out at me.
It also low-key smelled in there, and that's when I learned due to a variety of sensations that she had a cat. I don't hate cats, but if you have a cat, you should probably tell your guests that you have a cat.
Rachel moved closer to me, and started to lean in to kiss me, when she stopped abruptly. "Oh, I almost forgot," she muttered. She went to the kitchen, and came back with a bottle of Febreze in her hand.
It was also then that I learned that she didn't actually clean the litter box. She just kind of sprayed Febreze around the room aimlessly and called it a day.
At this point, I knew that there could never be any future with this girl. But I didn't leave just yet.
A door near the back of the room caught my eye. I pointed to it and said, "What's in there?"
Rachel giggled a little and said, "Oh, it's just storage." She was silent a moment, then said, "Do you want to see?"
All of the alarm bells in my head were yelling ABORT MISSION. But stupid me decided to just follow her into the storage closet, and all I could think about was the time that Elliot said Nina kissed him in the storage closet at school.
Now, this is where it starts to get really weird, so just bear with me.
Here's what I saw when she opened the door to the storage closet, and turned on the little light bulb on the ceiling:
There were two shelves lining the wall, and on the lower shelf, there was what had to be every Anna and Elsa doll ever created. There were the cabbage patch ones, the barbie ones, the mini figure ones, the troll doll ones, I mean every one. And then, on the upper shelf, lined up, were all of the doll heads.
I presume that she ripped the heads off of all the dolls and lined them up.
As you can probably figure, I was a little put off by this. But, all I could manage was, "Can I use your bathroom?"
So, there I was, sitting on the closed toilet seat, trying to figure out some kind of James Bond way of getting out of this. Eventually, after realizing that I left my phone out there, I realized that I didn't want to take too long in there, because then she'd think I was pooping which is infinitely more embarrassing.
I stepped out of the bathroom, and didn't find her in the living room where she'd been last. I heard her voice then, baby talking.
The most logical explanation would be the phone, right? Maybe she had a niece or nephew that she was baby-talking to. Then, I looked towards the coffee table - which I should mention had the biggest Elsa face on it - and saw her phone sitting on the table.
Okay, I thought. Maybe she's baby talking to her cat. Cat people do that, right?
Almost as if on cue, the cat rubbed past my leg, flipped it's tail up, and stared at me.
I was pretty freaked out by this point. Did she have a roommate? Was she talking to a neighbor?
Then, I moved closer, and hear her voice coming from the "storage closet". I crept towards it, not wanting to interrupt her freaky nightly blood-letting voodoo ritual. I eased the door open and that's when I saw her baby talking to the doll heads.
At this point, the alarm bells in my head were saying, "ABORT MISSION. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 200. ABORT MISSION."
So, I grab my phone, block her on iMatch, delete my account, delete iMatch off my phone in one swift motion, and get the heck out of there.
Yeah, that was one crazy iMatch experience I will never - and I mean never - forget.