My parents swear they're not disappointed in me, but when they saw my last report card, they were all "These aren't the best grades you could get" and "You're smarter than both of us" and I hated hearing it. Considering all I'd been through, they should be proud that I got all A's and one B, not disappointed. I'm surprised I was able to do that well, considering I had to say goodbye to my best friend the day before school started.
Life has a terrible tendency to tear my friends away from me. Every time I have a best friend, I have to say goodbye to them. Every time. I didn't think it would happen again . . . but it did, and I still don't feel any better.
I thought I was hurting before . . . that was nothing compared to now. Without him, everything is terrible. My life is empty . . . It's gotten a little better; thankfully we still keep in touch and his brother's here, but it's still not the same as us being at our old taekwondo school. It's just . . . I shouldn't have left, but I couldn't be there if he wasn't. I would only remember us training together, and it would hurt more.
All I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be, when everything was okay and I wasn't such a monster . . . because all the loneliness and sorrow, it's made me a terrible person. Everyone hates me, and I don't blame them . . .
I'm tired of teachers at school trying to interpret my emotions and "help" me. "She's afraid of letting other people close to her." No, I'm not. Do you know how long I stay after TKD to talk to my friend's brother (he's the instructor there)? I stay for AGES. Why? Because I like talking to him and we're friends so therefore, I do let people close to me. It's not my fault most of my "peers" at school are jerks. I was nothing but nice to them, and then all the bullying started . . . it's not as bad now, but I still hear what they say about me when they're talking amongst themselves. The majority of my "peers" like shooting others down, so no way do I want to be friends with them. THAT'S why I ignore a lot of the other kids, not because I'm afraid of letting people close to me. I ignore them because they're awful. That's why. But no one seems to get that, and my teachers keep worrying about me and it's extremely annoying. My history teacher called my parents because I had an anxiety attack in the middle of a debate and wouldn't tell her what was wrong. I don't like telling people in real life about all this stuff, believe it or not. I don't mind saying it here, but in real life, never. So I told her not to worry about it, it wasn't any of her concern, and finished the debate. There was no need to call my parents and tell them about it, but the teacher called them and then they started yelling at me because I wouldn't tell them either. I don't talk to my parents about stuff like this, so . . . -shrug- They've proved to me about a thousand times that they can't hear about emotional stuff.
One of my teachers made me see the school psychologist, because she thought I wanted to kill myself. I do not. That's three times now that a teacher has thought that, and frankly, it's getting annoying. I know they have to do something about it, but all I did was draw a dead face on a note card - they had us draw a face that represented how we felt about high school so far, and hey, I wasn't going to lie. The psychologist made me tell her what was going on, and I regret telling her. I shouldn't have said anything. She didn't help at all, anyway, so now she knows about it for no reason. Supposedly everything remains confidential, but I don't trust any of the staff at my high school. A select few are all right, but from my experience, school teachers aren't trustworthy, except for a few really awesome teachers I've had in the past.
True, I did write about saying goodbye for my personal narrative for English class. But when I wrote the ending, I made it sound like I was okay even though I wasn't. Made it seem like that was completely unrelated to everything.
My parents insist I'm "fine" and that "nothing's wrong", but what do they know? They insist that I have to tell them about my problems and that only they can help me, but I know from experience that's not true. They're too controlling, insisting that I'm "addicted to the Internet", and I'm not. I play Wizard101 all the time because I want to be someone else for once, someone who isn't a disappointment. The characters call me "esteemed Wizard" and things like that and it's so much better than being called all the things I'm called in real life, aka "failure" and "disappointment". I like to actually mean something and have a purpose. When I play that game, the real world goes away and all that matters is casting Storm spells and riding dragons.
. . . I don't know, it's just . . .
. . . this is how I feel when I'm not with him . . .
. . . this isn't his fault, it's not anyone's fault, this is just how I feel when he's not here . . .
. . . and now I have to live like this for the rest of my life . . .
. . . I really wish I didn't take those two years for granted . . .