Monday, October 23
Weather Rains on Seasonal Bake Sale's Parade
By Rolland Cross
This Sunday Violet Hill High hosted their autumn bake sale. The day started in high spirits with scrumptious treats and hot chocolate provided by the school's culinary club. Yours truly bought a thick slice of banana bread and it was delicious.
Things took a turn for the grim, however, when a surprise storm rolled in, drowning parking lots, pastries, and Priuses in a small flood. It has been estimated that an entire thirty dollars' worth of baked goods were lost. The school is considering canceling the scheduled winter bake sale in fear of similar losses being incurred by potential bushwhack blizzards.
I myself would like to encourage the school to not cancel the upcoming bake sale, as it would deprive me of its delicious signature gingerbread cookies, which junior Jasmine Larson refuses to provide me the recipe for.
In other storm related news, at least two injuries have been attributed to old men falling out of bed. The mayor would again like to advise anyone who knows elderly men to check in on them after such rain.
Local Farmer Dispels Myth of Cow Tipping
By Ericka Belmonte
This Sunday I slogged through the sudden spell of rain, risking life and limb for my "duty to deliver the news to the common folk". Farmer Geoff Horton, 46, called me to do an interview about the two anonymous middle schoolers who snuck into his pasture last Tuesday and were injured attempting to film themselves tipping a cow. As the duo discovered, cows do not in fact sleep standing up. They are, however, herd animals, who did not take kindly to the two unfamiliar idiots in their enclosure in the middle of the night. As previously reported, the two are in recovery.
When I interviewed Mr. Horton, he had only this to say: "I want the preteens and psychos to quit trolling my property!"
When I asked him to elaborate on the "psycho" comment, he grunted and grumbled about two of his cows having been mysteriously killed the previous night...
- Three mountain cat kittens of indeterminable species found. $16 per cat. To adopt, please come to the parking lot of the Arby's on fourth at exactly 2:43 in the morning.
- Help wanted at local bookstore, Dog-Eared Depot. Please call the provided number for more information.
Do You Suffer From Any of These Symptoms?
- Unexplained Scratches?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be suffering from a rare, unnamed genetic condition. For treatment, visit the Mystical Maddox, just outside the city limits. You'll know when you've found him...
It's been ten thousand years... But I'm back. And with an all new story, in the format of a newspaper! So if you liked this first edition of The Violet Hill Chronicle, please let me know you're reading and why! And if you see room for improvement, please let me know what you're thinking!
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"Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still."
- Henry David Thoreau