Worst Summary Ever (Round 7): "You know the drill. Write me a summary of an imaginary book, a summary so repulsive and gag-inducing that it would make the hair on the toes of a hobbit wither and curl."
I was half asleep when I read this book, so some of the details are a bit foggy, and I’m not quite sure what was part of the story and what was my dream, so I have no idea why they put this on one of Rick Riordan’s book flaps. But I digress. As far as I can tell, this novel involved a military general that owned a pet monkey, simply liked monkeys, or maybe he was a monkey himself. He doesn’t get the girl in the end, because the banana ate her like Aunt Beatrice had warned (although there was no mention of said banana being a book in its previous life, which I thought was inconsistent with the canon). Wait, are you telling me you’ve never read Maze of Phones?! O_O < Man, I love this face. The middle of the story is full of epic quests that have nothing to do with being a general, and nothing to do with being in the military in general, so the author may as well have made the main character a Persian rug beater. This would have been a far more interesting angle to take, because perhaps one of the rugs could have turned out to be a flying rug, which immediately advances the plotline several levels of awesome. Be that as it may, the rugless general finds another girl who is banana resistant, yet somehow has hair styled in the shape of Kentucky. Totally unrealistic. But this was back before the other girl got eaten, or maybe it was simultaneously. Which would be in keeping with the general’s rude character, to abandon his girl while she’s being taste-tested by a relatively large yellow fruit, because we saw a glimpse of this darker side when he was extracting termites from a log and eating them (unless that was his pet monkey, which could very well be his familiar). And then my grandmother came in and beat him with an umbrella, which is disturbing because the author has never met her. Gotta love the internet.